this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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