DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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