I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
