The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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