There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
