he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
