I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
