One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
