I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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