just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!