Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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