before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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