I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
