Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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