I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
