Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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