dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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