stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
