I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Barsexuality is the new black.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
