he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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