So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
