Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
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so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
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I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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