So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
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I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
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I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct