I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
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Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
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I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster