She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
