Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
