He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
