you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
