i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
This is the high leading the old right now
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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