I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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