she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
