By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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