I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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