I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
