then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.