I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
