She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dating After Heartbreak
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.