I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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