Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
