Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
