i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
