half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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