I didn't shave. On purpose
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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