We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
