seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
