I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
