the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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