Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
