I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
How external is "for external use only"?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
