so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
