Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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