we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she peed on how many people?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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