How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
