The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
