I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
