I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
