I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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