In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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