it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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