I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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