He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
