I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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