i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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